The Picture Album
by Nic the Nefarious
Summary: Four years after Lily and James’ deaths Remus tries to confront his demons, but finds that some wounds need more time to heal. Light mentions of RLSB and JPLE.


**Disclaimer: **All characters contained in this work are the creations of J.K. Rowling. No profit is being made off this work except the warm fuzzy feeling the author gets when people leave her reviews.

**Author's Note: **Angsty!Remus/Sirius is my mantra and this is another prime example of that. This was meant as a one-shot but as I read through it a couple times to proofread I realized the end held a bit of a promise to it. As of now it is a one-shot, but who knows what the future will bring. I have a bit of a mind to drag this out into a fic where Remus slowly confronts his demons, but perhaps that is taking it too far. Tell me what you think, and I'd also greatly adore hearing what you thought of the little azkaban scene (keeping in mind that Sirius _would _be a bit off due to the constant exposure to dementors). Still, all reviews are good in my mind, enjoy.

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**The Picture Album**

A heavy door slammed in the small apartment complex causing the dust that settled over everything to stir up into clouds. Remus tensed slightly as he heard the angry mutters of the mad old lady who lived in the apartment across the hall before slumping against the door he had just slammed. He hadn't meant to do itbut his annoyance, dare it be said anger, at the entire way the day had been going had finally shown itself.

The few years since the deaths of three of his best friends had been rough on him and the prejudice laws of the wizarding government did nothing to help him overcome his grief. He had spent four years bouncing from one poor paying job to another as he desperately tried to make rent each month. He had left Hogwarts as one of the top five students of his year and this was what he was reduced to?

He longed for those carefree days when the opinions of the outside world didn't matter and he had friends to make everything better. Hope had flourished then and now it was nonexistent. Remus sighed and stepped away from the door. He set his jacket and his briefcase on the lone chair occupying what he supposed he could call his sitting room, if he tried to kid himself.

A wistful sigh left his lips and he maneuvered into the small bedroom that contained all of his important belongings. Everything that he could not bear himself to be rid of was contained in that room. A good book and a cup of tea awaited him to take his mind off of his troubles. At least for a little while.

He had just reached his bookshelf when he felt himself trip and almost fall over something. He frowned slightly at the offending object. It was a book and Remus _never _left books lying around on the floor. He picked it up and flipped it over so that the cover was exposed before dropping it as if it were on fire. It was rather plain in appearance. A black book with only a light gold embossing on the front cover. _Memories_.

Remus was surprised to find that his breath had caught and not yet returned to normal. He stared down at the picture album and fought away the growing darkness clouding his vision. He couldn't yet bring himself to look at those pictures and see how happy he use to be. Even after four years there was no way Remus could remember _him _again or think about what had happened. A choked sob welled up in Remus' throat although his eyes remained dry. He wouldn't cry over this, it wasn't _worth _it anymore.

If it wasn't worth it though, why was he unable to look at those pictures and remember those who had once been his friends? Remus reached down to pick up the book again and his unsteady resolve began to harden.

He moved deftly to the bed and sat down with his back resting lightly against the headboard. He knew as he stared down at the picture album that he definitely wasn't ready, but when would he _ever _be ready?Remus had _loved _him and he had _betrayed _them all. Remus fought back more tears and opened the book to the first page.

There was a fairly decent sketch of a stag, dog, wolf, and ratbeneath thefull moon in a forest clearing. The wolf and dog were curled together with the dog resting his head on the wolf's back. The stag was standing proudly with one hoof raised and watching over the wolf and dog as though he was protecting them. The rat was balanced on one of the stag's antlers and staring at the moon in contemplation.

Tears that Remus had been fighting back for too long welled up in his eyes as he stared at the sketch. Lily had made it when she had finally been told the tale of the Marauders only a few months before her marriage to James. None of them would have suspected that both Lily and James would be dead only two years later.

-/-

_Remus and Sirius stood and watched from a safe distance as Lily yelled herself hoarse at James for doing something as incredibly stupid as becoming an animagus without registering at the Ministry. They were in James' backyard at his parent's house for the summer as the weather was beautiful that time of year. _

_Peter laughed from where he was sitting on the grassy lawn and glanced over at Remus and Sirius. "Just imagine when they have kids," he said with a grin before turning back to the happy couple. _

_Sirius let out a bark of laughter and Remus smiled slightly at the image. The thought of James reproducing alone was just a bit scary. The world certainly didn't need any more Potters, or at least, any Potters of the _James _variety._

"_Well I'll be godfather of course!" Sirius exclaimed happily before tugging on Remus' arm to pull him into a loose hug. _

_Remus raised an eyebrow at him and asked, "What makes you so sure of that, Padfoot?" _

"_I'm the most qualified for the job of course," he declared after a minute of contemplation. "After all, who else could successfully raise the first of the Second Generation Marauders?" _

"_Merlin help me," Remus muttered after giving a slight whimper. _

_Sirius merely continued to grin at him as Peter laughed in the background. Several minutes later Lily came striding up, huffing under her breath about the idiocy of men, seemingly forgetting that her current company consisted of nothing but. _

"_I can't _believe _that man!" she exclaimed. "Marauders indeed!" The three remaining boys all traded grins. _

"_You know Lily," Remus said to her in an understanding voice, though he was still grinning widely, "you may want to find someone else to rant about the Marauders to. The last thing we need is an ego boost." _

"_Remus!" Lily shrieked as her cheeks reddened considerably. Sirius and Peter both roared with laughter. _

-/-

Remus closed the book softly and sighed heavily. There was no way he could do this. If even that one page could make him remember so much, how was he ever going to be able to look through the entire book? It made him want to scream at the injustice of it all. He was never meant to be the last of the Marauders!

He closed his eyes and gripped the book tightly in both hands as he recalled the sound of Sirius' voice and laughter that day. He seemed so happy that James and Lily were happy together and so excited at the prospect of them someday having kids for him to help raise.Remus had always been told that you could never truly tell with people, but with his friendshe had never believed it. They _accepted _him and because of that he thought they were different. Peter and James _were _different, but Sirius was just like all the others.

That was what he had been telling himself for so long. Sirius was no better than all the people that belittled him and hated him. He was worse even because of his betrayal and because he had still professed to love Remus even after he had _murdered _Lily, James, and Peter, the only other friends Remus had.

There was just something in his heart that wouldn't let him accept that Sirius was a bad person. Every other part of him admitted it, and would readily rip Sirius to shreds if he ever laid eyes on him again, but his _heart _wouldn't. He still loved Sirius even after every horrible thing that he had done. And that was what made reliving it all so difficult. It made him want his Sirius back. The Sirius that he knew as fiercely loyal and willing to die to save his friends, not the Sirius rotting in Azkaban.

-/-

_Remus wrapped his cloak around himself as he was lead through the twisting passages of Azkaban Prison by one of the downtrodden aurors who was on duty. He didn't want to be there but he had to see Sirius one last time before he tried to forget about him entirely_

_Rage and betrayal had filled his heart ever since he had heard the news of Lily and James' death, and Voldemort's defeat. When Peter had been murdered Remus had merely been shell-shocked. He hadn't shed a tear or really made a sound since it had happened. It was all too much for him to deal with. _

_They finally stopped before one of the cells and Remus edged closer to the bars. Sitting against the wall with his head in his hands was Sirius Black, Remus' one time best friend and the love of his life. _

"_Black," he forced himself to say as coldly as possible. His voice wavered. It was easy to spot that he was holding back tears. _

_Sirius looked up at him and the sight almost broke Remus' heart then and there. Dark circles were evident under his eyes, which were dull and lifeless. His hair was matted and tangled. Remus felt his eyes close and he took a steadying breath before opening them once more. The sight hadn't faded or been replaced. _

"_Remus?" Sirius asked in a frighteningly hopeful voice. "Oh Merlin, Remus. Please Remus, is that you?" _

"_Yes. Yes, Sirius, it is," he replied and Sirius' eyes briefly lit before becoming lifeless once more._

"_Oh Remus. I thought, Merlin I thought that," Sirius shook his head, "No, it was only a dream. Please Remus, you have to believe me! I didn't do anything wrong! I'm innocent. Merlin, please believe me!" _

_Remus took a step back and his jaw clenched. "Don't Sirius. Don't you dare try and convince me of that! You betrayed Lily and James. You killed Peter. I will _never _be able to forgive you of that!" _

"_Peter," Sirius repeated and Remus watched, sickened, as a manic light entered Sirius' eyes. "That filthy little rat, Peter." _

"_How dare you!" Remus hissed as hot tears stung his cheeks. "How dare you speak that way of him when you're the one who took him away from me! You stole my friends from me Black! The only reason I have for living is gone all because of you! You fucking bastard! And you dare to insult them as I stand before you, the last of the _true _Marauders?" _

"_Remus no! Please! You don't understand!" Sirius yelled in a frenzied voice. "I'm innocent! I didn't do anything wrong. You've got to believe me! I'll confess under Veritaserum, I'll do anything." He moaned and curled his fingers around the bars of his cell._

"_Shut up Black!" Remus screamed. "Didn't I tell you to shut up! Don't give me that shit! You killed my friends! You tried to kill Harry. Your own godson!" _

_Sirius gave another moan and slumped to the dirty floor of his cell. He shook his head furiously and muttered nonsense under his breath. "I didn't, I swear I didn't," he begged, "Please Moony, please. I love you, I need you. Please believe me." He cut himself off with a strangled cry. _

"No," he said vaguely as he took another step back from the cell. His eyes never left Sirius' broken form as he said, "I can't believe I ever thought I loved you." Remus closed his eyes as he felt his heart break.

He turned to the auror and nodded slightly. As he was lead away from Sirius' cell the awful cries of his ex lover followed his ears. He would never forget the desperate sound of Sirius' voice.

-/-

Tears leaked from Remus' eyes and he grabbed his pillow off the bed and buried his face into it. The picture album fell from his hands and onto the worn blankets of his bed. He couldn't help but think to himself as he tried to stem the flow of tears down his face that he would never be able to leave the Marauders' memory in the past.

It would always haunt him. Visions of what might have been as well as what actually happened would bloom before his eyes. It didn't even bother him as much as it might have because part of him never wanted to forget. What if was a dangerous question and Remus asked it everyday. What if he had managed to find out Sirius' side before James had made him secret keeper? What if Sirius had never joined Voldemort? What if he had been just a little faster, a little smarter, a little _better _than he was? Could everything have been normal?

Remus finally pulled away from his pillow and set it back on the bed next to the book. After a moment's hesitation Remus picked up the book and walked over to his chest of drawers. He pulled open the top one he hardly ever used and shoved the album inside. He wasn't ready yet. Maybe in a few months, or maybe in a few years, but not just yet.

He would save those demons for a time when he was stronger.


End file.
